He'll Come Around Eventually
by WaffleOfMusic
Summary: Set PostHBP slight spoilers. Tonks keeps trying to get to Remus, but he has romantic issues of his own to sort out…Was not, is not, and never will be RLNT. Snape joins the party too. Not a oneshot there’s more coming!


**Chapter 1: Rogue Potato**

A/N: This was just a funny little idea that wormed its way into my head. There'll be more, but it's not set in stone--if you have any ideas, feel free to contribute!

(And no, I don't have anything against various shippers, I just don't happen to believe in Remus/Tonks. I'll read Remus/Tonks fanfic, sure, but I just could never write it. It doesn't work for me. Same goes for Ron/Hermione, and Harry/Ginny.)

Disclaimer: I own my extraordinary, legendary wit and wisdom. Thank you, thank you…-bows-…..what? Not a single 'you're welcome?' Why, how rude this audience is!

-looks out to see that there _is_ no audience-

Erm….well, yes, that wonderful woman by the surname of Rowling owns all these characters, I suppose. I'm just stealing them for a bit of fun. Don't tell her.

Note: -**Text in bold is happening in reality**

-Normal text is Remus's-head-land

"**Now, eef ze flower girl stays here, eet eez cleer--"**

"**Mum, I can handle getting dressed, I promise you--"**

"**Hey, can we help?"**

"**NO!" Everyone who was there--Mrs. Weasley, Remus, Charlie, Tonks, and Arthur Weasley--stopped swarming the two lovebirds Bill and Fleur for a moment to glare at Fred and George, who seemed to be hiding something in their dragon-skin jackets.**

"**You two--" Molly shoved the twins out the door, which took considerable effort given that they were both taller than her, "go--outside, upstairs, anything--we're working!" And with that, George looked at Fred, Fred shrugged at George, and they both made to go outside, where Harry and Hermione were trying to play football with Ron and Ginny. ("I know what football is," Ron declared indignantly. "It's a stupid sport with pictures that don't move…")**

**The adults were clustered in the kitchen, buzzing excitedly and making wedding plans. Remus was sitting in front of the window, making a halfhearted attempt at lunch and watching Harry explain dribbling to Ron. Just then he noticed Tonks scooting up to him, glancing from him to Bill and Fleur and wiggling her eyebrows as if to say, "Speaking of weddings…" Remus gave a trying smile and turned to his potato, which was being vigorously stabbed with his fork. He gave no thought to this and fell into his trance, thinking…**

He wasn't angry at her, not at all. Sure, he was annoyed at the constant bother that was a lovestruck Nymphadora Tonks, not to mention everyone constantly trying to set them up, (he thought grudgingly back to that night in the hospital wing, right after the battle when everyone turned Yenta on him) but it wasn't _her _fault. He, of all people, should know that people can't control their feelings. You can't just say to yourself, "Okay, I think I'll fall in love with this man over here--oop, looks like he's taken! Nevermind, I suppose I'll take that chap instead." If Tonks could control what she felt, make it come and go as she pleased, he was certain she'd have left him alone by now, at least in the romantic aspect.

**Meanwhile, the potato had a mind of its own. Prompted by Lupin's erratic stabbings, it was struck in a position that sent it flying.**

**CRASH!Tinkletinkle **

"**Oh, my! That potato went straight through the window!"**

"**But I don't get it, Harry, why can't the goalie--"**

**PRT!**

"**OW! My eye!"**

_**WHUMP**_

"**Oh sweet Merlin, my baby! My ickle Ronniekins!"**

Also, Tonks didn't see any reason to not make her predicament known and get everyone else on her side (or what everyone believed to be Tonks's-and-Remus's side). As far as she knew, Remus simply didn't think that he and she would be right together. He was just trying to protect her--actually, that bit was true. He knew the poor girl didn't take rejection easy, and while he had the fortune of knowing that all of the Order was open-minded, no one likes to hear the object of her affection reject her because she doesn't have a penis.

"**Somebody call an ambulance!"**

"**What's an amble-ants, Harry?"**

"**Oh, nevermind--"**

"**We'll take the floo network and get him to St. Mungo's!"**

"**Relax, Mum, he's still got a pulse, I think the potato just knocked him out."**

"**But still! My Ron! My _baaaaaaby!_"**

All in all, Remus just plain wasn't ready to tell everyone what had happened between him and Sirius, what he still feels for the man, and how he just plain can't deal with romance anymore since Black died. Everyone would act weirdly around him, being around Tonks would get awkward as hell…_it's bad enough that she thinks I'm an overprotective prick! Wait 'till she finds out that I can't have a relationship with her because I loved--love-- her cousin! Her cousin! _Don't think that he hadn't been through this problem many times. Way, way too much complication. Of all the stupid men in the world, why did she have to set her sights on him? Him, of all people? In reality, the excuses that he'd made to her really were true. Even if he did love her, he still was too old, too poor, too dangerous…he looked down at his shabby robes. What the hell was that girl thinking?

Oh well, no use in dwelling on what you can't change. He set himself to finishing his lunch, taking a well-deserved nap, and visiting McGonagall to see what he could do. When the time was right, he'd talk to Tonks.

"**Remus, are you coming?"**

"**Re-e-e-e-e-e-e-mus? Hello?"**

"**I think he's sleeping with his eyes open or something…"**

"**No, Fred, Lupin would snore, plus he's still stabbing the plate."**

"**Is he in a trance?**

"**Oi, he can stay here in case something happens. We'll be back soon, Remus!"**

He reached to the plate with his fork, but came upon nothing. Startled, he looked down at the plate that used to hold his potato and now was covered in fork-marks. His eyes searched the surface of the lawn out in front of him until he came upon his beloved. Bruised, mashed, and lying in the dirt! He cried out, but to himself. He looked for the Weasleys, Harry, Tonks, _anyone,_ but found a note on the table:

**Gone to St. Mungo's. Rogue potato hit Ron. Stay there.**

**--Molly**

Remus felt the tears well up in his eyes. Poor, poor, potato…abused, abandoned, and blamed for a crime it didn't commit. Nothing deserved to be treated this way…

He didn't cry, but rather walked out to the edge of the garden and gave his love a proper burial. Maybe it would be happier in a better place. Potato heaven.

**Ending for Remus/Tonks Shippers:** Remus shook his head. This was madness! He couldn't believe it--all those years, he'd fallen for the wrong person! She was right there in front of him--all pretty and spunky and laughing…

He picked her up, literally swept her off her feet, shouted _"Accio horse!" _and a b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l white horse came zooming up to them, with its owner frantically running after it and screaming. Remus mounted the horse in one bound, and they galloped off into the sunset.

**Ending for Sirius/Remus Shippers:** In the end, Tonks figured it out. "Sirius is the one you really love, isn't he?" Remus nodded miserably. "It's okay," she spoke softly. "I understand completely."

"But how will I ever learn to get over him and move on?" Remus wailed through his sudden tears, indifferent to the fact that the entire Weasley family was watching this scene with great interest. "He's goooooooooooooooone! Leskledhimnowhezdeeeeeeeeeeeeeead!"

"Dead? Whoever said that!" Tonks looked alarmed. "Why, he never died! I've been keeping him in my hair this whole time!" And lo and behold, she parted the (extremely short) curtain of her hair and Sirius popped out of, seemingly, nowhere. He jumped into the werewolf's arms, and the Weasleys got to planning the wedding of the two men instead while Sirius and Remus snogged on the living room sofa.

**Ending for Ron/Hermione Shippers:** Ron woke up in St. Mungo's to see Hermione sitting at his bedside, stroking his hair. "Where's Mum and Dad? Where's everyone? The last thing I remember is a potato…"

"Shh, love," Hermione cooed. "Everyone went back home. That potato knocked you out…oh, Ron, I was so scared, I thought we'd lost you…" the girl collapsed in Ron's confused arms, sobbing her eyes out. "Seeing…seeing you almost die made me realize, I could never live without you, Ron, I love you." She looked up into his eyes, her own red and puffy, her nose dripping with snot. Ron saw the meaning of beauty.

They kissed long and hard, deeply and truly, punctuated by Hermione's sniffles and the old lady in the bed next to them hollering random threats about "you disgusting, hormone-ridden hooligans with no respect for your elders…or yourselves, for that matter..."

….What can I say? I give the people what they want.

Please review if you want this to go on; I have a vague idea of what could happen next, but if you want the story to go a different way then go ahead and press the pretty little lilac button. Go on! I dare ya!

(This WILL continue!)


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